Pilates – The Way Your Body Is Not Supposed To Move

I got this guest pass card for the Lexington Athletic Club (LAC) and thought I would try out the Pilates class that starts at 5:30AM. At the time, I had no idea what Pilates was. So yesterday I wake up super early and head out. When I got there a little early, there was no one there for the Pilates class yet, so I toured the LAC center a little and was quite impressed with the massive amount of equipment, racquetball courts and indoor swimming pool. After killing a few minutes, I went back to the Pilates room and saw Steve Loggerman there. I thought to myself, “If a physical therapist comes to Pilates, then Pilates must be a great thing!” At this point I am expecting something like kick-boxing or some extreme hip-hop dancing thing.

There was a total of 4 people there, not including the instructor. When the class got started, I soon realized that my expectations for this class were totally wrong. The instructor kept saying stuff like, “Pull your bellybutton to your spine,” and “Don't squish the blueberry at the small of your back.” Everyone seemed to know what to do with such weird commands; except me. After some warm-ups, the instructor started to lead us into the meat of the course, “Ok, now I want you to put you body into a Z shape. Good, keep your legs straight.” Then she would look at me, the fat kid who can't move in weird positions and would say to the class, “If you are having trouble getting into position, you can sit on the little foam block.” Then, as people were holding their “Z” position, she ran over to the other side of the room, picked up a little foam block and came over to me and told me to sit on it. Looking like a little Buddha, I did what I was told.

She ran back to the front of the class and said, “Ok, now I want you to move from a Z shape into a W like this. Make sure to keep your bellybutton on your spine.” WHAT!? How the crap do you do that!? I don't know about your body, but mine certainly won't let my bellybutton and spine meet! Then it got crazy. “Good, now we are going to switch between the Z and the W in intervals. Ready? Go! Z... W... Z... W... Now in the transition, I want you to move your legs and arms in a baseball-sized circular motion.” Meanwhile, my arms and body are failing out-of-sync with the rest of the class and I don't have enough flexibility to get into all the positions. By the end of the class, I felt as though I had just subjected myself to some kind of medieval torture stretching device. Since the Pilates class was more about toning and stretching and not really about cardio, I hopped on the treadmill for a while after the class to get some cardio in. This morning my stomach was sore like a mug. You know how if you do crunches, your stomach is sore in the front? Well, my stomach was sore from front to side to back, all the way around and back again (a Hobbit's Tale HAHA!) I think I'll do the class again this Wednesday since it ultimately made me feel better.

I FOUND IT!!! After all these years... er months since my last one broke, I finally found its replacement! I have been to all the Wal-marts in Lexington and the one in London looking for it and my search always came up in vain. Yesterday I went to the Walgreens in Hamburg and was delighted beyond description when I walked to the back and saw hanging on a shelf with a beam of glorious light shining brilliantly from the heavens onto the object in which I had so desperately sought – the Ototek Loop; the safe and simple way to remove earwax. I was so excited that when I came home I went downstairs where my sister was watching TV and removed several large chunks of earwax from my ears. After each large piece I would scoop out, I would proudly display it to MAP who would respond with “Awww, Sam, gross!” and convey a very convincing “barf face.”